Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
