i would punch a child for taco bell
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
