If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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