I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
