I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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