So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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