If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
