Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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