where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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