I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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