I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
