his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
