Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
