I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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