there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
