I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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