Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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