mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
