Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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