After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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