does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
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