hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
