Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
