dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
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my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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