Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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