I need to stop coming to work sober
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
