Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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