i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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