Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
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Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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