I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
