I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
