I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
