I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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