I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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