that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
