I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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