Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
