1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
