he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
