I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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