Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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