Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
