you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
