I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
