the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize