so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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