just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
