i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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