you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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