nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
