I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
