The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
