I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
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He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid