I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet