I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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