I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
