I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
