Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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