Christians are straight up FREAKS
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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