it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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